Community Service Shorts I: Death and the Maiden

Curtain rises on Hector Rodrigez and Jasper Cornwallis are walking to their train after work. There uniforms are disheveled. They reach an intersection where there is a “Don’t Walk” sign and a bus quickly approaches.

Hector: Come on, Jasper. We can make it.

Jasper: I ain’t gonna get hit by a bus, man.

Hector:(with a smug look) Oh, your afraid of dying sissy. I got it.

Jasper: I didn’t say that. I just don’t want to get hit by a bus.

Hector: How do you want to die then, tough guy?

Jasper: Lying naked as the day I was born on a Days Inn mattress, with a lit Pall Mall in my mouth, a chunky IHOP waitress astride, and surrounded by empty Pabst Blue Ribbon cans.

Hector: That’s fucked up.

Jasper: What, you gay Hector?

Hector: No…just…a fat waitress?

Jasper: I said “chunky”.

Hector: Still…

Jasper: Look whose talkin’. Mr. I want to get hit by a bus.

Hector: (with a smile) Well, I guess they are kind of the same thing.

Jasper: You’re a wise man, Hector. Don’t let this world or that bus take that from you.

Hector: Wait…what?

Jasper: I said I’m tired.

Hector: Oh (pause) you could at least die drinking better beer, Jasper.

Jasper: Who said I was drinking it. You don’t get a prize like a chunky IHOP waitress with sweet talk. You’ve got to grease the waffle iron if you know what I mean.

Hector: What?

Jasper: Sueno. Muy sueno, amigo.